Incoherent Scribblings

The Right Decision

How do I start writing about one of my life’s most significant decisions? I refuse to focus on the negative feelings, the bad days when I could barely function, or on the reasons that I believe things fell apart.

I think I should start when I began to realize that I was torn in two. I didn’t want my marriage to join the statistics of another that ended in divorce nor did I want to view my marriage as a failure. However, no matter how much I wished that those things wouldn’t happen, I could no longer ignore the fact that I was miserable. I was sad that we just couldn’t seem to get along or make each other happy anymore no matter how hard we tried. I was tired of getting angry about the most insignificant things. I didn’t want spend the next five, ten, or twenty years living in despair. I just wanted all of the unhappiness to stop.

I knew that hard questions needed to be asked and that the questions deserved honest answers. When the answers finally surfaced, they weren’t as heartbreaking as I thought they might be. I suppose I had known the answers for quite sometime, I was just afraid to be honest with myself.

I had taken a long walk and was taking a break under a tree on the evening that the answers came to me. I am not sure if I would call it a full-blown epiphany, but when I got up and started home I felt that a fifty-pound weight had been lifted from my shoulders. There was a confidence in my step that had been missing for quite a long time.

Arrangements needed to be made and I briefly toyed with the idea of staying in Germany. But when I considered it, I knew that without A. in my life there was really no future for me here. I didn’t even know how I would go about building a life for myself here and quickly admitted that the best place for me to start over would be at home.

Once I made the decision to return home I felt strong and reassured. Of course I feel a little anxious about what the future holds, but somehow I feel like myself again. And that is all I need to be certain that this decision, no matter how hard it was to make, was the right one.