Incoherent Scribblings

Pre-Birthday Silliness

Even though my birthday isn’t for 13 more days, May 9 holds a special place in my heart because according to my mother and the doctor who delivered me, that is when I was actually supposed to be born. However, in accordance with what quickly became the story of my life, I apparently overslept and as a result, didn’t make it into the world for almost two more weeks.

Of course, two weeks later when I finally did decide to make an appearance I did it in literally the most ass-backwards way. You see, I was a breech baby. My mother always jokes that I presented my best side to the world first, but I suspect I was just being cheeky.

Anyway…

This morning I received a visit from someone who, at this point, shall remain nameless. After an encounter we had last weekend, I had been waiting for (and looking forward to) this visit all week. During my discussion with He-Who-Must-Not-Yet-Be-Named the subject of my birthday, which this year falls the Thursday before Memorial Day weekend and on the opening day of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, came up.

When I mentioned to He-Who-Must-Not-Yet-Be-Named that my plans for my birthday included a long holiday weekend in which I planned drive to The Big City to see the long-awaited fourth installment of the Indiana Jones movies in a fancy cinemaplex, his response was that he would hate for me to be alone while celebrating these two important milestones. In that case, I told him, he was welcome to come with me and after he confirmed he would love to do just that, we made plans for… dare I call it a date?

I just hope he doesn’t mind too much when I drool over Harrison Ford/Indiana Jones for the entire two hours!

Protected: Boy Toy

Bittersweet Holidailies

I had this little introduction written up and meant to post it yesterday to launch this year’s Holidailies, but decided to put it on hold for a day after being inspired by kitten fun yesterday. So, here it is.

* * *

Because of many things that were beyond my control last year, I did not participate in Holidailies. However, when I first participated in 2005 I had a good enough experience that I decided to return this year.

Two years ago. December 2005. When I think about my life then I am flooded with bittersweet memories.

I was on a different continent and possessed a different marital status. I was semi-depressed and directionless because even though I didn’t want to admit it, I was slowly beginning to realize that era of my life was coming to an end.

There were precious few hours of daylight but the days were agonizingly long for me. I spent too much time watching badly dubbed TV while waiting for him to come home. When he was at home, we spoke less and less and the tension grew to be nearly unbearable. When he wasn’t home I was almost content, except I couldn’t help but wonder what was really behind the flimsy excuses he gave me for not being there. I refused to cry, but my anger towards him grew until it threatened to consume me.

But then again, I was excited. After almost four years I was getting ready to go home to visit my friends and family. I was anxiously awaiting the birth of my nephew. While I had been overseas, my niece had transformed from a baby into a little girl and I couldn’t wait to get to know her. I was looking forward to eating silly American “delicacies” and hearing my native language spoken all around me.

Days after I wrote my last post of the 2005 Holidailies season I flew across the Atlantic and into the arms of my family. My nephew arrived eight days later and there were whirlwind visits to my old stomping grounds.

I gained perspective and when I returned to Germany I gave myself an ultimatum: If my marriage hadn’t improved in six months I would walk out the door and never look back. Well, despite the effort (on both our parts), my marriage didn’t improve and I did indeed walk out the door.

And though I have looked back a couple of times, it was only briefly.

Forgiveness

It’s funny how I never thought some of the things A. said to me during the last few months of our relationship were mean and hurtful until recently when I started sharing them with someone else.

For example, there was the time when thinking about the future, I inquired if a family was something we might want. The response I received was that he wouldn’t be opposed to having children if he met the right person. Though I tried not to show it, I was taken aback. I was his wife. Didn’t it stand to reason that if we had committed ourselves to marriage that I was the right person? Apparently not…

And once he told me that without a job, an apparent purpose in life, my intellect was dimming and soon I would be like his mother. His mother! If I had a dime for every time he compared me in unflattering ways to his mother…

And so it seemed very simple when asked about the overall reason for the end my marriage. It wasn’t infidelity, financial woes, or any of a hundred other “standard” reasons. We simply forgot how to be kind to one another and fell out of love.

I remember the day we finally admitted it to each other and said so in so many words. There wasn’t any yelling: In fact it wasn’t loud at all. The words, “I am sorry, but I just don’t think I love you anymore,” were delivered calmly and in the softest tone of voice. Not a tear was shed, no emotion was revealed.

Of course it hurt. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t and I can only assume that it hurt him as much as it did me, but in some ways the truth set me free. I stopped walking on egg shells. I quit trying to fix something that could no longer be fixed and began to focus on myself again.

And somewhere along the line, I forgave him for many of the cruel things he said to me throughout our relationship and I forgave myself for not being the one that could make him happy.

House Call

First of all, if you haven’t figured out by some of the cryptic blog post titles here and there, I am seeing someone. As I told my mom, it is not the dude from the laundromat, but the situation is complicated and I am still trying to sort things out. I am not sure where it is going or if it will go anywhere, but he makes me laugh and for now that is enough.

Of course, all the time I am spending with him has drastically cut into my stitching time. I take my stitching with me because we keep insisting that we need to work on spending time in “companionable silence,” but for some reason when something gets unzipped, it isn’t my stitching bag!

Nevertheless, I did get some stitching time in this weekend while watching Season 1 of House M.D. As you may or may not know, when I moved to Texas I left my $10 yard sale TV in Iowa. As a result of this TV-lessness, I have been totally jonesing for Dr. House and finally decided to join Netflix so that I can watch TV shows that I missed while I was in Germany or have never seen in English and movies on my computer.

Writers strike or not, with no TV I have obviously not yet seen the current season of House, but I am thoroughly enjoying seeing all the previous episodes in order. I figure by the time I catch up on the first three seasons, Season 4 should be close to being released on DVD.

Anyway, while I was drooling over Dr. House, I worked on Outi’s replacement birthday exchange piece. Though I have no pictures to share at the moment, you can rest assured that I did not drool on the linen.

And as I usually say when I have no pictures to do the talking for me and I am running out of things to say, the exchange piece is coming along nicely, I am enjoying stitching it immensely, and I believe it is on schedule to be finished and mailed by December 1.

TTFN!