Incoherent Scribblings

I had this little introduction written up and meant to post it yesterday to launch this year’s Holidailies, but decided to put it on hold for a day after being inspired by kitten fun yesterday. So, here it is.

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Because of many things that were beyond my control last year, I did not participate in Holidailies. However, when I first participated in 2005 I had a good enough experience that I decided to return this year.

Two years ago. December 2005. When I think about my life then I am flooded with bittersweet memories.

I was on a different continent and possessed a different marital status. I was semi-depressed and directionless because even though I didn’t want to admit it, I was slowly beginning to realize that era of my life was coming to an end.

There were precious few hours of daylight but the days were agonizingly long for me. I spent too much time watching badly dubbed TV while waiting for him to come home. When he was at home, we spoke less and less and the tension grew to be nearly unbearable. When he wasn’t home I was almost content, except I couldn’t help but wonder what was really behind the flimsy excuses he gave me for not being there. I refused to cry, but my anger towards him grew until it threatened to consume me.

But then again, I was excited. After almost four years I was getting ready to go home to visit my friends and family. I was anxiously awaiting the birth of my nephew. While I had been overseas, my niece had transformed from a baby into a little girl and I couldn’t wait to get to know her. I was looking forward to eating silly American “delicacies” and hearing my native language spoken all around me.

Days after I wrote my last post of the 2005 Holidailies season I flew across the Atlantic and into the arms of my family. My nephew arrived eight days later and there were whirlwind visits to my old stomping grounds.

I gained perspective and when I returned to Germany I gave myself an ultimatum: If my marriage hadn’t improved in six months I would walk out the door and never look back. Well, despite the effort (on both our parts), my marriage didn’t improve and I did indeed walk out the door.

And though I have looked back a couple of times, it was only briefly.

It’s funny how I never thought some of the things A. said to me during the last few months of our relationship were mean and hurtful until recently when I started sharing them with someone else.

For example, there was the time when thinking about the future, I inquired if a family was something we might want. The response I received was that he wouldn’t be opposed to having children if he met the right person. Though I tried not to show it, I was taken aback. I was his wife. Didn’t it stand to reason that if we had committed ourselves to marriage that I was the right person? Apparently not…

And once he told me that without a job, an apparent purpose in life, my intellect was dimming and soon I would be like his mother. His mother! If I had a dime for every time he compared me in unflattering ways to his mother…

And so it seemed very simple when asked about the overall reason for the end my marriage. It wasn’t infidelity, financial woes, or any of a hundred other “standard” reasons. We simply forgot how to be kind to one another and fell out of love.

I remember the day we finally admitted it to each other and said so in so many words. There wasn’t any yelling: In fact it wasn’t loud at all. The words, “I am sorry, but I just don’t think I love you anymore,” were delivered calmly and in the softest tone of voice. Not a tear was shed, no emotion was revealed.

Of course it hurt. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t and I can only assume that it hurt him as much as it did me, but in some ways the truth set me free. I stopped walking on egg shells. I quit trying to fix something that could no longer be fixed and began to focus on myself again.

And somewhere along the line, I forgave him for many of the cruel things he said to me throughout our relationship and I forgave myself for not being the one that could make him happy.